Am I loveable? How to conquer this limiting belief + rewrite your love story
Chances are if you’re old enough to drink, you’ve had your heart broken or been on the other side.
When you’re in it, it’s the most gut-wrenching feeling ever. You can’t eat, sleep, smile, even breathing sucks. I bet you would’ve given anything to make the pain go away or to change the situation.
You replay every moment in your head and figure out where it all went wrong, how you didn’t see the red flags, and how you let yourself fall down this rabbit hole ... again.
please tell me why?
Then you think the thought. The thought you’ve been pushing away but now it’s so loud you can’t ignore it. You know the one...
“Why … why, am I not lovable. I’m just not ____ enough for anyone to really love me.”
Ouch. It hurts to even read, doesn’t it? It hurts even more to believe it. I know, because I have. In fact, I still have moments where that thought tries to find space in my head from time to time.
I don’t think anyone goes through life without coming up against feelings of self-worth when it comes to relationships. Relationships are the biggest assignments we’re given, especially the one we have with ourselves.
Society tells us we’re meant to grow as individuals while also growing together which is such a complex notion. But no one ever teaches us how. There isn’t a class or an expert that takes us aside by the lockers to explain how not to lose yourself while also simultaneously being apart of a whole.
I know from my experience, thinking and feeling that you’re not good enough (the basic limiting belief I talked about here) is at the very root of not feeling lovable. I’ve been in relationships where I felt so loved but didn’t love myself enough to be able to receive that love, the other person’s love felt suffocating.
No matter how much love someone pours over you, if you can’t open your hands to grab it, it’ll just wash over you. But when you realize you’re worthy of love, you’ll not only be able to receive it from others, you’ll be able to create it within yourself and that my dear friend is the magic.
Now I’m not saying this will be easy, but if you’re looking for answers and a way out of the trap of believing you aren’t not worthy of being loved then I have some advice for you.
#1 Love Begins With Me.
This is the cornerstone of everything I believe, whether it’s a relationship, a career, a family issue, body love, etc. You absolutely have to learn to love yourself.
Let me repeat, you have to love yourself. No one can do it for you.
I know that sounds ridiculous to some of you, but sit with it for a while. If you’re like me, when i first heard that I was like, “of course I love myself” but thinking you do and actually loving yourself are two different things.
If you would have recorded the conversations I had in my mind, you would think a very angry and extremely critical woman lived inside my head. What I’m trying to tell you is that loving yourself is different than just being ok.
It’s about what you say and think about yourself when no one is around. It’s about the choices you make, the situations you allow yourself to be in. It’s about making the choice that’s right for you even though it’s different than what others want from you or what you think you should do.
When you love yourself, you put you first.
What?! Yeah, I said it. It’s not selfish as the world has us all convinced. It’s self-honoring to do what feels right for you. I’m not talking about being a shitty person and hiding behind this idea. We all know when we’re being truly selfish.
It’s about taking responsibility, owning up to all your actions; the good and the bad. It’s an act of kindness for yourself and the people you care about.
#2 Looking at the Wo[man] in the Mirror.
Whether you’re in a relationship or single, you have to start looking at yourself first.
It’s easy to point the finger. That’s why we all do it. I mean, how many people consistently focus on what’s going wrong outside of themselves? Looking inward and facing our issues is probably the most uncomfortable thing. Our human minds are looking for easy and comfortable.
You can’t control or change anyone (read that again). The only person you have control over in this world is right here reading this blog.
I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but get a big glass of water and keep reading.
This one mindset shift can change a lot. The more we see our own faults, the more compassion we can have for others. Compassion is at the heart (pun intended) of living a peaceful life.
Before you start making a list of everything that’s wrong with the other person, make a list of what you need to work on.
#3 Be the Trendy Neon Sign (Like a Tracey Emin)
You always hear people in the spiritual world say “be the lighthouse”. Well, this is my cool new metaphor. What they mean is stop trying to get people to see it your way or think the way you do, just live your life and people will learn from watching you.
Have you ever tried to force someone to see someone else the way you see them?
Doesn’t work so great, does it? People respond much better to discovering things on their own.
You can just be at peace knowing your life and your decisions are what’s right for you without having to get others on board gives you a quiet confidence and inner knowing that radiates like sunbeams from your face.
Knowing you don’t need other people's permission allows you to let go of the chains. The more you practice only needing your approval, you realize other people's approval is really just that; other peoples and none of your business.
Whoa, That Was A Lot Of Information
But these three ways of thinking helped me to see relationships differently which in turn completely transformed my limiting belief of not being lovable. Because when you take back the control of where you get love, you realize you had the power all along.
Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. You had it all along. You just needed to be reminded. Consider this your reminder, and me your Glinda.
If you read this and have a question or something to share, please do. I would love to see how this information hits you and keep the conversation going.
All the love,
PS. Looking for actionable practices you can use to help make these mindset shifts stick? In the next blog, I talk about my favorite self-care practices (woo-woo 101) when it comes to not feeling lovable. Stay tuned!
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