Writing about your feelings is hard. Not just actually doing it but sitting your butt down and opening your laptop without getting distracted is the part that’s hard.

Once I get myself here, I tend to feel overwhelmed and overexposed. Like… do I really want to do this? Why am I sharing? And a host of other negative self talk.

But this morning, as I was trying to talk myself out of writing, I came up with this idea of turning it into a format favored by my favorite magazines, blogs, etc.; a top 5 list!

We have them for everything, right? Top 5 Must-Have Wardrobe Staples. Top 5 Lipsticks. Top 5 Books. The list goes on and on. Maybe I will turn this into a monthly or weekly thing, I don’t know. That seems like a big statement, considering the fact that I can barely get out one blog a week but in the spirit of starting something new, I'm feeling very optimistic.

So, let’s not delay a second longer. Here are MY TOP 5 FEELINGS for the week:

current mood board

*All images are sourced from Pinterest

SCARCITY

As my due date nears, I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m running out of time to be alone as well as time to be with just my husband.

I mourn that my marriage, not even a year old, will never be the same in two months. I know, I know. Everyone says, you will never be able to imagine your life without your child, but I can imagine it right now (because I am living it) and it’s pretty damn good.

I have to keep stopping myself from thinking or saying …

This is the last time this will ever be like this

or

This is our last ____ before the baby gets here.

IMPATIENCE

In the same breath as telling you I feel like I don’t have enough time, I also am starting to feel a little impatient about my current situation. I am becoming impatient with the fact that I’m more and more uncomfortable every day, can’t sleep, and have trouble standing up from the toilet.

I know these are all very little complaints compared to the fact I’m growing and nurturing a human baby inside my body, but they are real to me nonetheless.

I feel farther and farther from the women I was in good and bad ways.

I miss her wardrobe and sleeping habits but I also feel more empowered and stronger than ever. But feeling like something is happening to me that I have no control over is scary and I want to be on the other side it.

LACKING

This is a version of my usual, “I’m not good enough” negative self talk.

I think this is a pretty normal feeling around a huge life-changing event that you have no control over. I’m afraid I’m not ready. I feel like I don’t have the skills, tools, or toys I will need for this baby.

I think about what if I have read the right books, or do the right exercises, or listen to the right meditations. I have an overall feeling of not doing enough, not having enough, not being enough ... Fun!

BEWILDERMENT

When I’m not feeling the feelings above, believe it or not, I have these amazing moments of total and utter awe.

I am in awe of what my body is doing and the baby that’s growing without any real help from me. It’s truly insane when you think about the way we are all brought into this world. How organs and DNA and personalities are formed by a magic that I can’t comprehend.

FEAR

In that same breath of bewilderment, I’m also scared shitless.

I know people are having babies every second and I know I’m gonna have this one come hell or high water, but I’m scared.

This was one of the major feelings in the past that made me not sure I would ever be ready to have a child. I know it must seem selfish, but there are too many stories of how childbirth is horrible and how it wreaks your body, not just in a vain “ won’t look good in bikini-way”, but in a “I pee my pants all the time now” way.

I have done a lot of work to not prescribe to these thoughts. I choose to listen to positive birth stories because there are plenty, but the little girl in me is still scared to the point it brings me to tears.

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Well, I’ve been busy this week if you couldn’t tell, hahaha. My feelings are a little all over the place but to be honest, this is pretty much my normal lately.

I liked putting it into words using the list method. The format made the process less scary and more fun. It was like I was writing my top 5 lipsticks for summer. I hope you can see the value in discussing feelings more than just fashion. One day I hope this kind of sharing will trump the shallow surface talk we have all come to rely on.

All my love,

jodi x